I am a Cancer, and one of the most truthful things I've ever read about that Zodiac sign is that Cancers are emotional. We dramatize, we exaggerate, and our moods swing from mad to sad to glad. I mean, different astrology books have different views on this, but the essential idea is the same.
I'll tell you something: once upon a time I expressed my opinions. Once upon a time, I showed my true self at school. Once upon a time, I didn't suppress my sensitivity.
But over time, I knew I had to change this. People (hi, M&M and Jules) exaggerated my sensitivity almost to the point of making fun of me, my parents weren't much comfort when tears [often] poured down my face as I sought a shoulder to cry on, and I never felt I could count on friends to show my weak side. And though I thought her my BFF, Angela seemed too perfect to be someone I could confide in; I would just be embarrassed before someone I thought to be totally flawless.
Long story short: I learned what every Cancer has to learn -
suck it up.
To give you a better picture of what my sadness/gladness can be like, I'll give you an example of one of my sadness relievers. Instead of sulking, I make up a music video in my head - today, while listening to Red, I thought of a dramatic heroine-hides-her-tears video. Here's a part of it.
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
[Me, swiping up cat litter in the basement. Cut to a shot of me leaning on the sink, mournfully looking at my reflection.]
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
[Group of classmates laughing and talking; I stare at them in the background. Cut to a shot of me turning my face away, to the camera, and when I squeeze my eyes shut moisture appears on my eyelashes.]
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall
[Me, sitting on my bedroom carpet, photographs of me happily in a group hug with all my friends. Angela's drawings scattered around me, and I finger them wistfully.]
Like the colours in autumn so bright, just before they lose it all . . .
[I close my eyes and shake my head, and drop on my back, shoulders shaking.]
So. Um. Yes. In other news, I feel like throwing something around fourteen times a day.
See, today in Saturday school, I realized something: all my friends seem to have turned into mild, non-adventurist girly girls. What the flabrigs??? I mean, their idea of fun is sooooooo boring. Some of them are great, like movies and board games (Y seems to be the only one who understands me now - Murder Mystery Mansion? I am so IN!! :) ) - but the girls at my Ukrainian Saturday school attach themselves to a high school girl called Victoria so they can discuss her various boy-related aspects of life and texting conversations.
Is this what my future years are going to be like? I still consider these people my friends, but gobyams, is my life going to be full of totally uninteresting people? Who am I going to confide in? I may be a fan of the book character Emily Strange, a happy loner, but I am a SOCIAL PERSON and it is against my nature to keep myself apart from everyone. I try to join in the talking groups at school, but to what end?
Hmm. Side effects may include unnatural silence, the chewing stare without the chewing, unexpected tears, instinctual and/or unknowing separation from family at home, and oh yeah, the MOODINESS.
And people wonder how I can journal-write so much!